And so it begins.

Basically, I want to get pregnant.

Such a task would be deemed “doable”, were the situation just a little bit different.

Not around here.

I was born in Italy. I’m still living here. I’m 32 years old.

I’m leaving in a month.

Reasons could be written off as “needing some personal time”. But there’s more to the story.

Current Italian laws make it impossible for an unmarried woman to get artificially inseminated, whatever her sexual orientation might be (wouldn’t have been my first choice, but it would have been nice for it to be a choice somehow). The same goes for adoption: you need to be straight and have been married for a few years [ed.: apparently, you can apply for adoption and pull the old “…no, Your Honor, but we do plan to get married soon” – bonne chance] before you can turn in the papers, and even then it’s a big “if” (which could explain why so many couples just get on the road, travel to former Soviet Republics and swipe babies for cash… but I digress).

So, if an Italian woman happens to be in lack of a husband and wanting to start a family, several appealing alternatives are laid down in front of her.

1. Pay massive amount of cash to get an in vitro abroad (unknown donor), then raise the kid as a single parent.

Pros: hey, it’s your baby.

Cons: baby gets crushed under the weight of Messianic expectations.

2. Pay massive amount of cash to get an in vitro abroad (you know the donor), then raise the kid as a semi-single parent.

Pros: you’re not on your own.

Cons: donor could fight you for custody, and win; donor could change his mind about sharing any sort of responsibility, effectively pinning you in .1 scenario; seems to work only for lesbian couples whose Spider-sense is really, really sharp.

3. Trick unsuspecting guy in getting you pregnant, then raise the kid as a single parent.

Pros: Unsuspecting Guy never finds out, therefore he can’t become Bad Influence on kid.

Cons: Also called pulling a Loverboy.

4. Trick unsuspecting guy in getting you pregnant, then go around screaming “it’s your child too, you bastard” and hope the DNA tests prove you right.

Pros: you might get some child support money – if and when the court rules in your favor.

Cons: do you really want to be that person?

5. Invest years, time and energy in landing an actual relationship with a man, then hope he might want to become a father one day.

Pros: it’s supposed to be natural.

Cons: personal/emotional life morphs into series of increasingly desperate manipulation attempts; relationship might de-evolve into a 2. scenario.


Should any of these things work out for you, there’s no safety net when it comes to getting back on your feet and into the workforce.

You’re a woman, and you’re in Italy, therefore you’re expected to make everything turn out ok without any kind of support.

So much fuss is made about you (aka Future Wife/Mother Figure) as a future family cornerstone, but no political party is going to do anything to help you. You want a kid, you’re on your own. You want to work, you’re on your own. And never the twain shall meet.

I really don’t want to be that.

I don’t want to kill off everything I tried to do in the past 10+ years just so that I might, one day, get a husband and a baby. I know I won’t.

But I don’t want to keep on making myself invisible to men, so that I can do my thing and little else, banishing any thought of an actual relationship.

So, I’m leaving. Let’s see if things are really the same anywhere else.



Filed under family laws, I refuse to die alone on general principles, note to self: remember why you're doing this

20 responses to “And so it begins.

  1. Good luck, mate. We’re SO gonna miss you.

  2. antoniofurno

    in bocca al lupo

  3. weofp

    good luck (and thanks for all the fish).
    if you’re going to spend some time in the basque country, in that small lovely city called Donostia-San Sebastian, we’ll be glad to be at your service.

  4. Katia

    Uh. I’ve read on a Flair article (maybe this summer) that you were leaving Italy, but i didn’t know the reason. Good luck, really!

  5. valeria


  6. You will never go too far that you can’t be reached.
    This is not a menace πŸ˜‰ .

  7. Mi piace l’idea del nuovo blog!

  8. If you wonder around Paris, you know where to crash…

    why The Big Chill Meg’s scenario is missing?

  9. Gabstan

    We’ll meet again, d0n’t know where… don’t know when… but we’ll meet again.
    Good journey and good luck.


  10. I started reading you 4 or 5 months ago. Silently and shyly but faithfully. Now your new adventure touch off my fears , my desires…and evidently my courage. At least to say:
    Good luck!

  11. By babe, we’ll see again in another life, or in another (better) world. I wanna know her/his name, ok?

  12. david

    In mouth of the wolf πŸ™‚

  13. mal

    Good luck!
    Hopefully i’ll catch your progresses not only on line!

  14. delurking; buona fortuna Violetta, se deciderai di peregrinare per Barcellona, double room in the most messy barrio.

  15. Good luck, sistah, you won’t get rid of us all just ‘cos you’re not within this darn country’s boundaries. πŸ™‚ :*

    [clicks on the rss feed orange thingy and goes back to planning her own great escape]

  16. Brava ragazza… You wait for fate to bring about the changes in life which you should be bringing about by yourself. (cit.)

  17. Pingback: Pet and/or cattle (I should not be blogging right now) « The War Bride

  18. a new start, a new day, hugs

  19. Pingback: Rules of engagement. « The War Bride

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